


A Miserable Life

by Zyperis



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:33:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29473281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zyperis/pseuds/Zyperis
Summary: A very short series of Catra-centric one shots (in chronological order)
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	1. Realization

**Author's Note:**

> The Catra/Adora relationship becomes more prevalent in the second and primarily third chapters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of the many missing conversations between Catra and Gimmer aboard Horde Prime's ship. Glimmer POV

This had been going on for days now. Or at least what felt like days. It could have been as long as weeks or months. Perhaps it was as short as hours that simply dragged on endlessly. It was impossible to tell in the endless expanse of space aboard Prime’s ship, but whatever the case the end result was the same. Catra would show up at her cell, always of her own volition- seemingly on a whim, then they would sit back to back on either side of the force-field “door” and talk.

After recognizing that Catra came by so often on account of loneliness and calling her out on it, Glimmer had feared that their interactions would lessen or stop altogether. Even if Catra was a horrible person, responsible for too many atrocities to name, not the least of which was her mother’s death, Catra was at least familiar. That was what had motivated Glimmer to ask Catra to stay that very first time- a familiar face, even an unfriendly one, was a welcome balm in the nightmare that was Prime’s ship. It had been infinitely shocking to hear Catra say “okay” to Glimmer’s request to “stay- just for a little.” Catra’s voice had been soft and full of uncertainty and indeed it was Catra who had opted to take a seat while leaning against the “door,” thereby setting the precedent that they now followed during every interaction.

Not a word was spoken between them that first time, Catra’s quiet consent to remain with her was enough for Glimmer. The long silence that followed before Catra’s eventual departure hadn’t been particularly amiable, but neither was it uncomfortable. When Catra showed up for a second time, it was Glimmer who opted to speak after taking her seat and the conversations that followed since were actually quite pleasant. They could connect over their home of Etheria, of funny stories about Adora, and even the places they’d seen. It almost didn’t matter that Catra had seen the Crimson Wastes or Salineas under entirely different circumstances than she had. Catra was familiar with those places and they could talk about it- very carefully avoiding the fact that they were enemies over the course of those conversations.

Catra was wont to suddenly end a conversation and disappear almost as suddenly as she would show up. Occasionally, she would leave because of the presence of clones or to spend time elsewhere to avoid detection, but mostly she would disappear because of something Glimmer said. Glimmer could never precisely identify what she did to drive away the other girl, Catra had largely abandoned her blind rage and violent outbursts, instead choosing to calmly inform her that the conversation was over and that she was leaving. The only pattern Glimmer could even begin to detect was that more often than not the topic of Adora would in someway trigger her, but even that seemed sketchy at best.

There was only so much small talk that they could have and had subsequently transitioned, however slowly, into slightly more personal territory. They both enjoyed staring at the horizon, they were both terribly annoyed with all the paperwork required to run everything under their command, they both enjoyed being up high- surrounded by nothing but air. And eventually, Glimmer found herself inexplicably drawn into the desire to understand her. Adora had been best friends with her- surely there had to be a reason for that, something more to the Horde commander that lay beneath the surface. And most importantly, there was their last conversation before Horde Prime appeared- Catra had refused to fight and even asked Glimmer to end her life- why had she given up when she never had before? _What are you waiting for? Do it._ And after her moment of hesitation, _Looks like we’re both alone. Sparkles._ Those words were haunting in their implications and resonated deep inside of Glimmer- touching her own fears of isolation and abandonment.

“Can you tell me what it was like growing up in the Horde?” Glimmer spoke hesitantly, there was no telling precisely where or how hard she could press before Catra would leave altogether and as sad as it was, their conversations were the only good thing on Prime’s ship.

“What’s to tell? We trained, we ate, we trained again.” Catra’s voice had more than enough annoyance laced into it to warn her that she was stepping into unwelcome territory. Even still, she pressed on, if there was ever going to be a chance to find out why Adora cared about Catra even after everything that had happened, then she would need to know more about life in the Horde.

“No, seriously, I want to try and understand. What Adora’s told me- the food, the training, the communal bathrooms… It all sounds so terrible.” Glimmer could only hope that re-framing her question with a place for Catra to start with and linked to Adora would prompt her to open up, even if only slightly. They had talked on many occasions about silly quirks Adora had growing up and hopefully, including her name would be a positive, rather than trigger Catra and end the conversation.

“Sounds to me like Adora only told you the good parts. Why do you even want to know? And why are you asking _me?"_ Catra’s reply showed promise. If Glimmer could successfully navigate a response, there was a strong chance Catra might say _something_ more about her past and life in the Horde. It was subtle, but Glimmer had finally noticed that if Catra was able to determine the motivations for her questions then she was more inclined to answer them. That realization still hadn’t helped her formulate any responses- even when her motivations were purely innocent Catra would still occasionally shy away from answering them.

“Adora doesn’t like to talk about it much and she’s so… weird. With what she knows or doesn’t know. Like she didn’t know what a ‘party’ was. Or what an ‘Aunt’ was. And she said that the appropriate way to deal with getting sick was to hide so no one found out.” Giving Catra pretty much all of the information she had about Horde life might not have been the best move, but hopefully doing so would give her enough familiar points that she might choose to discuss at least some of them. Of course in hindsight, describing things that Adora did or didn’t know as ‘weird’ might not be the best way to encourage the ever-aloof magicat into talking.

“Like I said, Sparkles, those are the good parts.” It was moments like this that Glimmer was positive part of the reason Catra came to talk was just for the amusement of getting a rise out of her. If that truly was her goal- it worked. She lost her patience.

“Ugh! Seriously? If all of that is good then what were the bad parts?” She yelled in annoyance- why couldn’t she ever just get a simple answer?

“The older members of the Horde, Hordak, Shadow Weaver mostly.” A direct, if not particularly illuminating response was definitely not what Glimmer had expected. After her frustrated outburst she had fully assumed Catra would be halfway down the hall, muttering about not wanting to talk anymore. All the same, part of what Catra said didn’t make any sense…

“What do you mean: Shadow Weaver? I know she isn’t a very nice person, but she’s been nothing but helpful to us.” Glimmer had been as distrustful of Shadow Weaver originally as anyone else- more so even than Adora, but still it was true. Shadow Weaver had taught Adora how to heal as She-Ra, she had made it possible to rescue Adora after the Crimson Wastes, she taught Glimmer almost everything she knew about magic, and had even helped get the jump on Double Trouble.

“You _are_ joking- right?” There was venom in Catra’s voice as she challenged that sentiment.

It seemed odd that there was such a fixation and animosity between Catra and Shadow Weaver and this definitely wasn’t the direction that Glimmer had hoped their conversation would go, but all the same maybe there was something to be learned about Catra in all of this. “No, I’m not. Adora doesn’t trust her either and I don’t get why. I mean she’s definitely rough and self-interested, but…”

“Listen, Sparkles, all Shadow Weaver cares about is power and her precious special child: Adora. She doesn’t do anything _nice_ unless it benefits her.” Catra was clearly furious and Glimmer heard her stand, presumably with the intent to walk away again.

“I don’t believe that. She’s done a lot to help me personally as queen and she hasn’t gained anything from it outside of a garden. So, if she’s sooo bad, convince me.” Glimmer turned her head around to find a furious Catra staring at her as a mixture of emotions ran across her face.

“Fine, _Sparkles.”_ Catra spat. “You want to hear a sob story? You really want to hear about what kind of a _person_ you have with you in Bright Moon? The first time Shadow Weaver electrocuted me, I was three and it was because Adora shared her gray ration bar with me. The first time I slept in, Shadow Weaver launched me so hard against the wall that I broke a rib. When I came in first during an obstacle course race, she said my tail gave me an unfair advantage of balance, so she denied me rations for a week and made me the _live target_ for the senior cadets. When Adora and I snuck into the Black Garnet chamber- I was the only one she controlled and electrocuted. The first time I actually beat Adora in a fight, I was denied rations for a month and when I finally found something to eat- she LIT ME ON FIRE. And the best part? When I was covering for Adora while she was out becoming best friends with _you_ \- Shadow Weaver spent hours personally interrogating me because she knew I knew something. You remember how fun _that_ was when you were her prisoner, right?”

Catra was panting, standing tall and leaning over as close to the prison “door” as possible. Glimmer couldn’t help but notice for the first time just how worn Catra actually looked. Catra had always stood so strong and menacing in her mind and every time they fought she was as powerful as that image. Even in the relative peace they had between them on Prime’s ship, Catra’s confidence and the way she carried herself overshadowed the reality. But now, Catra’s hands clenched into fists away from her sides, her chest rising and falling with each heavy breath, the wild and angry eyes- Glimmer finally saw every crack in that image. Catra was thin enough that every one of her ribs could be counted, the dark circles under her eyes indicated she likely never had a single night’s rest, and her bare left arm was covered in innumerable scars that were barely covered by her fur.

Suddenly, Glimmer found herself questioning everything she knew and thought of Catra. Could it really be possible that every time they fought, that all of these years, that the mastermind behind all of the Horde’s machinations was a starved, sleep deprived, deeply scarred girl about her age? If that was really the case, then Glimmer shuddered to think what Catra could accomplish under better circumstances and was forced to recognize how much her own leadership capabilities paled in comparison. “She- she really did all of those things to you and Adora?”

Catra scoffed, “Shadow Weaver never laid a hand on Adora.” Glimmer couldn’t help but balk at that remark. There was no doubt Catra was telling the truth and that revelation alone was horrifying. From what Catra described she had been basically tortured, in large part because she was friends with Adora and from the sound of it, Catra hadn’t even scratched the surface of what had actually happened to her. Glimmer remembered her time as Shadow Weaver’s prisoner well- she had been electrocuted almost continually for hours, almost to the point of passing out multiple times and only kept awake by dark magic. How and why did Adora let all of that happen- even if they were kids she had to have known it was wrong? Didn’t Adora leave the Horde because she recognized how wrong they all were?

“If all of that is true, why didn’t you just leave and join the rebellion?” Now more than ever, Glimmer was confused that Catra hadn’t left with Adora. If everything was as bad- or worse if the implications were to be believed- as Catra said, why would she stay and subject herself to it? Why stay somewhere that she was being attacked and brutalized by the person who raised her? Maybe staying made sense, when Adora still believed in the Horde, but that should have only incentivized her to leave with her friend.

“You think I’m dumb enough to follow Adora to play nice with her special new friends? Get real- I’m not a pet. Adora left me. I’m not going to go chasing after someone who doesn’t want me around. So, fuck off. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want your understanding. I’m stronger than you can imagine and that’s why I’ll find my place here.” Catra turned and was walking away.

“Wait! Did Adora know what Shadow Weaver did to you?”

“Why do you think I never bled out?” Catra didn’t turn around while answering, her voice barely reaching Glimmer’s ears as she continued to stalk away. Adora knew? Adora knew her best friend was being physically abused- to the point where she was at risk of bleeding to death and left her there? Come to think of it, Adora was very good at what she called “combat medicine.” On many occasions Adora had patched Bow or Glimmer up after a particularly bad fight with the Horde. Adora always talked nervously while working on their wounds saying things like “I know this isn’t standard practice, but I promise that it’s actually better,” as if Bow or Glimmer had any idea what standard Horde practice was. Glimmer had always assumed Adora learned her surprisingly decent medical skills from whatever Horde classes taught and practicing on herself before having the magical healing powers of She-Ra, but maybe Adora had spent innumerable hours patching all of the various wounds Catra suffered. Maybe Adora knew to treat burns and suture wounds and how to prevent infection because she had spent years making sure Catra didn’t die…

Adora never talked about Catra or the Horde much, but if everything Catra said really was true, how was Adora okay with it? Adora had left the Horde because she found out about the way they treated the people they conquered- but she just accepted the fact that her best friend was being tortured? The Adora that Glimmer knew would and did protect her friends at all costs, but according to what Catra just said, Adora never protected her… and left her in the clutches of the people hurting her…

She would never get a chance to ask about any of the thousand thoughts that raced through her mind, however. All too soon Catra had returned demanding information about the ship coming to rescue her. The entirety of their conversation passed from her mind as Glimmer begged Catra to finally do one good thing with her wretched life. And then suddenly, she did. Catra had freed her from the cell, lead her to the teleportation room, and Glimmer stood in shock and horror as she watched Catra operate the controls to save her and subsequently Adora.

Catra weathered blow after blow from the clones, once they broke in, without ever missing a beat. Having experienced the brutality of the clones firsthand, Glimmer knew just how much damage any one of the many blows could inflict and through it all- Catra never wavered, not even flinching as fists rained down upon her. That was when their conversation came rushing back to her mind and the piercing image of the scars coating Catra’s arm flooded her vision. Catra truly had been brutalized, beaten, and abused- how else could she shrug off violently brutal hits, all the while operating controls and speaking to Adora, without any indication that she was in pain?

“Catra!” Too late she had called out to her. Too late to ask Catra to come with her. Too late she realized the atrocity that was Catra’s life. Too late she realized the gravity of the consequences of Catra’s actions. Too late. She was too late to be anything other than another sad chapter in the girl’s life- just one more person who became an instrument for her to be abused because it was Glimmer who demanded she protect Adora, even though Catra had already suffered so much for their friendship. _There’s no one left in the entire universe who cares about me…_ and yet, Catra cared about Adora enough to sacrifice her life, likely knowing better than anyone how much pain defying Prime would cost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are implications in the show's dialogue that imply many more conversations were had between Catra and Glimmer than we are shown. Given that Glimmer readily understands Adora's desire to save Catra and that she seems somewhat warmer to her after the rescue- it is my personal belief that they connected to some degree and that Glimmer came to some deeper level of understanding of what Catra actually went through.


	2. The Price of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra being "purified" by Prime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is dark- darker than any other variation I've read, so be warned that this is not in anyway happy.

“We don’t have time you need to get to these coordinates _now._ **_Don’t_** come here- no matter what. Horde Prime is ready for you.” The clones had broken through the doors into the teleportation chamber and Catra was fighting desperately to keep them at bay while she continued tapping at the controls. She threw knees and elbows with the intent to knock the assailants back rather than harm them. This was never a fight she planned on winning- she just needed enough time to get Glimmer out.

“Catra- I don’t understand. What is…” Of course Adora didn’t understand. Why would she? Catra had spent the past few years doing nothing but fighting and hurting her and the rest of the rebellion.

“Just listen!” Catra practically screamed. There wasn’t time for explanations or for her to say even a small fraction of all the things she had wanted to say to Adora for years now. There were too many clones surrounding her- she was out of time. Two of them had her in a vice grip, keeping her away from the controls. “Adora! I’m sorry… for everything!” Those few words were going to have to be enough. If Adora knew her as well as Catra believed she did then that would be enough to convey everything she wanted to say and didn’t have time for.

Catra dug deep, looking for strength she didn’t have. Strength to break the clones’ grasp and finish the command to send Glimmer to safety and keep Adora away from Prime’s clutches. That thought alone was enough. This was to protect Adora. Catra wrenched her hand free and slid it up the console in her last desperate move. That small victory was enough. She heard Glimmer call her name, but it was cut off as she disappeared. A small victory in the grand scheme of things. Freeing one captive princess and effectively stopping a second from getting captured wasn’t much of a victory compared to the sheer power of Horde Prime. But it would have to be enough. And it would be enough to keep Adora safe.

The very moment the teleportation sequence was engaged the clones began to fight differently. No longer did they care about restraining her and stopping her from getting to the controls. Now they attacked her with the intent to beat her down. Fists and knees slammed into her from all directions as the pile of bodies on top of her continued to grow. She yelled and fought back. Lashing out with claws and teeth and throwing every ounce of strength she had left to give against the wall of clones.

It wasn’t nearly enough. Catra was wrestled to the floor as blow after blow fell upon her. It wasn’t long before the beating was over and she was being dragged off in a daze. She was bruised and scraped and her whole body ached from the physical abuse she took, but she had survived worse. She grew up in the Horde. She had been tortured by Shadow Weaver and Hordak. She had fought for her life in the Crimson Wastes. She couldn’t even count the number of times she had been attacked by people trying to kill her. The clones may have beaten her raw and bloody, but she had survived worse before and it was such a small price to pay to ensure that Adora was safe.

Prime was right Adora _did_ mean something to her. She always had. Everything Catra had done in the name of the Horde was an attempt to get Adora back, to punish Adora for leaving her, or to prove to herself that she didn’t need or want Adora. And after everything, Adora hated her with good reason. But Catra had finally done one good thing with her wretched life and would cling to that one thought: Adora was safe and she would pay whatever price that cost.

Her senses slowly came back as her feet scraped against the floor of the ship. Her hands were bound overly tightly behind her back- she could feel them growing numb from having the circulation cut off. They dropped her unceremoniously in front of Prime’s throne. Catra gave the clones a cursory hiss. It was weak and certainly not threatening. She lost the fight and had already accepted that, but that spark of defiance that always shunned authority demanded she show some resistance. That was the same reason she refused to look up at Prime now. Her life was already forfeit- not that her life ever mattered much anyway.

Prime stuck the toe of his boot under her chin to force her to look up. As “calm and collected” as he always was- he still struck fear into her. Catra had known the limits of Hordak’s rage. She knew the punishments Shadow Weaver could inflict. But Prime. Prime was a different monster entirely. It was that calm rage that was most terrifying- the methodical way in which he prodded and destroyed. He was already doing that now. Proclaiming that her sacrifice was in vain. That he would still get his hands on Adora.

The chanting of the clones filled the throne room and Catra couldn’t stop herself from looking around in fear at the countless green eyes staring from so far away. She never believed that she was “beloved in his sight,” especially since she had never been beloved in anyone’s sight. Prime was just biding his time- toying with her to figure out in which ways she could prove useful to him. He had made that abundantly clear when he took away the one bargaining chip she came aboard his ship with. The knowledge of Etheria’s weapon had been her original plan for securing position in his grace. He had undermined that very quickly and had made it abundantly clear since, that she wasn’t much more than another one of his playthings.

Catra let a cackle escape her throat. His rage meant that she really had been victorious. For all of his calculating genius he hadn’t expected her to actually betray him. “What did you expect? After all, us Etherians are _so very emotional._ ” She taunted him, it might be her last chance to throw her defiance in anyone’s face and she was going to revel in her small victory. “It doesn’t matter what you do to me. Glimmer is gone, and you will _never_ get your hands on Adora.” Her voice was cold and serious. Catra won. Adora was safe. Whatever came next didn’t matter.

“Oh, my child… you’re wrong. Everyone has a place in my empire. You will be of use to me yet.” As Prime spoke he loomed over her and grabbed her chin menacingly. Catra couldn’t keep the fear from falling across her face or settling in her eyes. He had a plan for her. That was more terrifying that anything else. She had expected to die, most likely in an incredibly painful manner, but if he had a plan that meant she was going to be kept alive. _It doesn’t matter what they do to me. Adora is safe._ She repeated that last phrase to herself over and over. That was all that mattered now.

It was only a moment later that two clones were hauling her to her feet. She stumbled forward toward wherever they were leading her. They walked for an eternity and Catra’s legs began to shake violently- the battered and tired muscles threatening to give out entirely. They ultimately came to a near empty room. Empty except for a single rectangular platform in the center. The platform could have been mistaken for a bed, if it wasn’t for the fact that it was made of metal and the very obvious restraints around the sides.

Terror set in at the sight of it and all of the implications this room brought. Rather than paralyze her, the fear renewed her strength and Catra fought against the clones’ grip and against the bindings on her long numb hands. The bindings only cut into her wrists painfully the harder she pulled and the clones’ grip tightened before they lifted her bodily into the air- her legs kicking out wildly. They slammed her face first against the cold metal platform and stars danced in her vision as she screamed out in pain and rage. The clones quickly worked to secure the restraints over and across her, locking Catra tightly against the table. She had been dragged up so that her head hung over the edge and she felt the tears sting her eyes as she watched both sets of boots approach from either side.

Very suddenly her long hair was being grabbed forcefully. Gathered and pulled back so tightly that it threated to rip from her skull. She let out an agonized yell as her head was pulled up as far as her neck would allow and still her hair was pulled even harder up. One of the clones crouched down in front of her, his eyes featuring glowing white pupils- indicating he was possessed by Prime.

“Little sister.” The clone smirked while reaching up to gently remove her face mask. “Remember, all beings must suffer to become pure. And I will. Purify. You.” The clone seized and the body distorted uncomfortably, dropping her mask to the floor with a clang before the usual green eyes settled on hers again.

The pain in her head was already throbbing. An intense headache from having her hair pulled so tightly back. The clone in front of her stood up slowly, placing a firm hand around her throat. The clone applied enough pressure to force her head back just a bit more, threatening to snap her neck. The hand began to close, choking off her air- not enough to make her unable to breathe, but enough to make it a struggle, enough to remind her it could be cut off at any moment, enough to make her lungs burn as they continually struggled to draw air into them.

There was a dull buzzing and whirring in the air, coming from somewhere behind her. It was an uncomfortable sound and her ears flattened against her head in response. Catra couldn’t twist her head to try to look even if she wanted to, but she was sure that whatever generated that noise would only bring pain to her. It continued for a few moments, the sound changing in inflection and intensity as it moved its location behind her. When she finally noticed that some of the pain from having her hair pulled so far back had lessened, she also realized what was happening. Her long hair that cascaded down her back that she loved to run her fingers and claws through was being cut away.

Catra recognized the tactic; Prime was trying to make her feel vulnerable and exposed. He was taking something that afforded her protection and comfort in order to strip her of those things. If Prime had actually been present, she would have laughed in his face because she had almost never felt any level of comfort or protection in her life. She was as vulnerable as ever, strapped against this cold metal table so that even the weight of her own body pressing down was painful from the beating she received while sending Glimmer away. Her hair didn’t matter, whatever happened to her didn’t matter. Adora mattered and Adora was safe. If the worst Prime could come up with was cutting her hair, while partially choking her then he wasn’t nearly as terrifying or cruel as she had given him credit for. She had survived worse.

The experience lasted longer than she would have imagined and the worst part was having her air partially restricted for so long. It set her lungs on fire and when the hand holding her neck finally released she let her head fall forward, thankful to be able to gulp down air. She looked at the floor, littered with tufts and pools of her hair and dimly wondered if she even had any left. The worst thing now was the pain in her hands- still bound behind her back. They had long ago gone completely numb and now ached incessantly- in dire need of renewed circulation. The slight reprieve barely lasted more than a few seconds.

Catra felt the bindings on her wrists cut loose and practically sighed in relief at having the tension relieved. Even with her hands freed, she didn’t gain any new mobility. Every strap and restraint that had been placed on her body still effectively locked her against the cold metal underneath her. She still didn’t have much view of her surroundings, but she heard the light clink of metal and could see several pairs of feet- more clones had arrived and were standing around her. She couldn’t see it, but she felt the first slice. Some knife or other instrument, cut through the fabric that wrapped under her mostly bare foot cutting deep inter her sole before sliding painfully and slowly up her ankle. She let out a loud scream of anguish as the burning cut opened her flesh and let the hot blood spill out and down her foot.

No matter how she struggled or thrashed Catra wasn’t able to move even the slightest bit and the knife continued its upward ascent. The blade occasionally disappeared only to again sink into the soft tissue of her leg higher up, presumably jumping over every strap that bound her to the table. The cutting continued, slowly and methodically up one leg and not stopping until it cut open along her hip. The tears poured from her eyes as she continued to scream. Then they started cutting up her second leg and her screams turned into a shrieking sobbing mess. _Adora is safe._ She practically bawled while screaming the words aloud as she clung to that simple truth. This pain and this suffering was the price to keep Adora safe. Catra had said that it didn’t matter what Prime did to her because she didn’t matter- Adora mattered- Adora was safe and she would hang on to that.

More, blades began working their way over her body. Down her arms. Across her back. Up her sides. Catra continued to scream. She wouldn’t beg or plead, but it didn’t matter if she lost some more of her dignity by continuing to scream. She screamed almost continually as the blades cut and she felt the warmth of her own blood soaking into her clothes and matting her fur as it ran along the table she was strapped to. She continued to scream even after the blades stopped cutting into her, letting her sobs and wails fill the otherwise sickening silence. She shivered and shook as the cold began to settle into her, the more the blood leaked from her body the colder she became.

Catra didn’t hear or feel the restraints falling away from her body. It wasn’t until she was yanked upwards, the cuts covering her body screaming in newfound agony that she realized she had been freed from them. The table was splotched with puddles of blood, streams of it ran in various directions across its surface and down dripping onto the pristine floor. The clones spun her around to face the entrance of the room and in that motion tore the clothes from her body. Her clothes had been held by no more than a few threads from all of the cuts and they fell to the floor in ribbons.

Privacy was never a luxury afforded to Catra or anyone growing up in the Fright Zone. It wasn’t until she had been promoted to Force Captain and provided with her own quarters that she even truly realized such a thing existed. Even still she struggled to cover herself, unwilling to give Prime or the clones the satisfaction of having her so completely exposed. Catra wasn’t given much opportunity to complete that endeavor. She was dragged quite roughly out the door and down the hall, leaving a trail of blood in her wake to another room that looked exactly like Glimmer’s cell.

Between the pain from having her whole body cut up and the forceful grip of the clones she couldn’t do more than sob as she was thrown onto the bed. This time it was just her wrists and ankles that were secured to the corners of the bed as she was laid face down.

“Little sister.” Catra craned her head to the side to see a clone with white pupils staring down at her and smirking. “It is imperative that we treat those wounds. I wouldn’t want you to miss your chance to become pure.” She turned away and buried her face into the mattress. How could this not be over yet? He already cut her and stripped her. What more could he want to do? _Adora is safe. It doesn’t matter what he does to me._ Every time she said it, Catra felt reassured. Adora was all that mattered after all- all that mattered to her. She never even let herself think it anymore, but there was one thing she loved in the world. It wasn’t the Horde, it wasn’t power, it wasn’t even friendship- it was Adora. There wasn’t even a clear memory in her mind as to when those feelings for Adora began- Catra had always loved her, even when they were still children and she didn’t even fully understand what the feeling was. Catra loved her- dumb hair poof wearing and clueless idiot that she was. Catra spent the past three years destroying everything else that was good in the world because the only good thing that she had ever known- Adora- left and abandoned her like the pathetic waste of space that she was, despite promises to the contrary.

Catra couldn’t be sure precisely what was done or how long it took. She didn’t care and didn’t want to know. It would have been better if Prime simply killed her or let her bleed out, but neither of those things would happen. He was going to keep torturing her. She must have fallen asleep eventually, either from exhaustion or perhaps by something Prime had administered, but she awoke to being dragged from the bed, still naked, through the halls of Prime’s ship. She didn’t feel any pain from having been cut and looking over her nude form to the best of her ability confirmed that there were no wounds and no new scars remained as far as she could tell. Even still she felt weak- her body sore and tired.

It wasn’t until the force field “door” opened to reveal the purification chamber where Hordak had been forced into the pool of green liquid and electrocuted that she realized where she was. There were two things Catra feared more than anything else- electricity and water. The latter was a bit irrational and even she knew that. Catra had no issues washing her hands or face, she was happy to drink it and could even shower albeit uncomfortably. But it was bodies of water that really bothered her. She could tolerate being wet in the shower and she was capable of swimming, but there was something utterly terrifying about being even partially submerged in water. She hated boats and lakes and oceans and even though she never admitted it aloud, it genuinely _terrified_ her.

It was easy for her to explain her fear of electricity. Shadow Weaver had used her dark magic to quite literally torture her with it over the years. She hated the way those dark red streaks would course through her body, locking up all her muscles and sending pain surging through her. Shadow Weaver had been relentless, quick to send electricity coursing her through for even minor transgressions and would even spend hours brutalizing her with it if she had been in a particularly bad mood.

Catra had made the mistake only once of going to the infirmary. Shadow Weaver had been particularly violent and in additional to her electrocution Catra had been thrown violently around crashing into walls and breaking machinery under her body. She didn’t even want to go, but Adora had promised it would be okay and Catra had barely been able to walk. It was a week before Shadow Weaver found out, just long enough for Catra to believe she had gotten away with breaking the unspoken rule that forbid her from medical treatment. Shadow Weaver didn’t hold back at all that time, Catra had blacked out twice during her wrath and both times been forced back to consciousness by dark magic. She didn’t even bother trying to get up once Shadow Weaver finished. Catra had felt too many bones snap and was too broken and bloody to pretend like she could even crawl back to the barracks. She didn’t remember moving or being moved, but when she awoke, bandaged and treated in Adora’s bed the next day she knew who had found her. And what was Adora’s punishment for getting medical aid to Catra? Catra was going to be denied rations for two weeks (of course Adora still snuck her part of her own ration bars).

One of the things she regretted most was when she tased Adora in Thaymor. She had stood horrified at herself at having done it. Adora had never borne the wrath of Shadow Weaver’s magic and watching Adora’s body stiffen before collapsing, knowing how horrible it was made Catra hate herself. She really had felt terrible for tasing Adora (despite doing it a second time in her panic) and had fully planned on making it up to her somehow. She wouldn’t apologize- she had sworn to herself that she’d never apologize to anybody for anything, but she did want to extend a kindness to Adora. That was right before Adora had ripped her heart out by insisting on leaving her. Invariably proving that Catra really did mean nothing. She really was worthless. She really was pathetic. Why else would the one person who had always been there and promised to stay with her leave, like it was the easiest decision in the world? Electricity was therefore inextricably linked to every pain and horrible experience she had in life.

This room. This purification room held both of the things Catra feared most and she had seen first hand how horrible it was for Hordak to suffer. Prime was standing before the pool smiling confidently. She turned at once fighting with all her strength against the clones. She wasn’t going to suffer in this room- she had to get away. Maybe the clones didn’t expect her to suddenly fight with such ferocity because she broke from their grip and began to run back toward the door when her legs gave out. Hands gripped her ankles and began dragging her toward the pool of green liquid. Catra yelled in terror and fury, digging her claws into the floor trying desperately to get away.

It was futile and she was thrown into the far end of the pool while the clones began chanting “Cast out the shadows” and “All beings must suffer to become pure.” The liquid was sickening warm- a perfect reminder that it was there and covering her body- invading her. Catra gained her footing in the pool as soon as she could, but already the electricity was coursing through the water and into her body. The pain was excruciating, far worse than anything Shadow Weaver had ever produced and her jaw was locked tight denying her even the ability to scream. Even though the fear and the pain were monumental- she clung to the one thought that made this all worth it. _Adora is safe._ The moment finally came when the electricity stopped, she began to draw in a breath of much needed air. At the same time the tension from her muscles dropped and she was prepared to try and find her balance, but a strong hand pushed down on her chest from behind forcing her under.

The scream left her lungs, but it was quickly replaced by green liquid. She kicked and flailed trying to regain her feet and force her head above the surface to breathe, but a new current of electricity was coursing through her. Again her muscles locked and the liquid began to fill her lungs in earnest. When the new wave of searing pain from the electricity died down, she was hauled above the water, a river of green liquid pouring from her mouth as she tried to choke it out and again pull air into her lungs. A single breath was all she was permitted before the electricity came surging forth again. She wasn’t going to plead or beg for Prime to stop. She had endured torture and abuse for quite literally the entirety of her life and she never gave anyone the satisfaction. No matter how much everything hurt or how much the fear gripped her or how her heart threatened to explode from fear and convulsions she refused to let Prime win. She screamed plenty. Screamed until her throat was raw and bloody, screamed even as the green liquid was forced down her lungs or back up again as she was plunged into or hauled from the liquid. Screamed as every terror she ever imagined about water and electricity came true in horrifying fashion.

“Catra!” An all to familiar voice pierced the air, cutting off her own screams. She knew that voice. She loved that stupid voice. But hadn’t she told Adora to stay away? Surely, not even Adora was dumb enough to confront Prime’s ship? Not for her anyway- not for Catra. She’d come back for Sparkles, but not for Catra. Would she? Catra tossed blurring glances around- trying to find the source of that voice as it echoed around and called out her name, desperately with longing time and again. Disoriented as she was, she couldn’t even resist as her head was pulled back and a long tube was stuffed forcefully down her throat. The tube extended well beyond her field of vision and when it was evidently in place she was again forced under the liquid’s surface.

She stared in horror at Prime’s distorted smirk from under the green liquid; the tube permitted air into her lungs, even as the liquid began pouring into her again. Catra struggled, trying once again to find her footing- she couldn’t hear that amazing voice from below the surface of the pool- she had to get up and find her. It was just as she was reaching for the tube in her throat that the electric current began yet again. This time it lasted far longer than ever before. The tube kept fresh air in her lungs even though she was completely under the green liquid. The electricity made her whole body rigid and set her whole being on fire. When she was finally dragged above the surface again, the tube was ripped forcefully from her throat.

The removal of the tube didn’t lessen the intensity of the torture. Instead Catra was given only the briefest of moment to take in the realization that every time Adora called out her name it was only in response to the press of a button at Prime’s command. Her heart ached in a way it hadn’t in years that was completely unrelated to the strain it was under from the electicity. Why had she ever even let herself _think_ that Adora would come back? Adora wouldn’t come- that was why she was suffering- to keep Adora safe. This HORROR was the price to keep the girl she loved safe. This TORTURE was the price Catra had agreed to pay so that the girl she loved could be the hero who broke her heart. After that brief realization, Catra was continually electrocuted and required to force her spasming muscles to keep her head above the surface. She was still forced under periodically so that when she was finally able to break free to fresh air, she had to first expel the liquid from her lungs before sucking in a breath, all the while fighting through the seizing of her body from the electrical current.

There was no telling how much time passed, but no matter how much experience she had with suffering, there came a point where even Catra couldn’t take anymore. She had wished for death so long ago and still she was alive. She’d so much rather be dead. Rather be strapped back to that table to be cut. Rather suffer the combined fury of Hordak and Shadow Weaver than endure another moment of this. She finally choked out both words she had sworn to herself never to utter. “Please! Stop!” She hated herself for it. For how desperate she sounded, how broken, how weak, how she was sobbing desperately hoping either her life would end, or this torture would. Catra screamed and begged and pleaded in a way that she hated herself for, but she couldn’t live another moment like this. She couldn’t survive this.

Prime smirked more triumphantly than ever, even as another wave of electricity found its way sparking through the liquid. This time Catra found herself able to scream and when it finally ended she collapsed, falling forward into the pool. The green liquid was again forcing itself down her throat, filling her lungs and choking her. Again the electricity came, ripping into her muscles, her body convulsing as she sank to the bottom of the pool. Through sheer force of will, instinct driving her- she forced herself to stand, desperate to breathe- to live, despite her wish for death. Catra choked out one last desperate plea- begging for this to end, her vision too hazy to make out anything in the blurred view of green and white. Prime would give her no such mercy and the strongest current of electricity yet, practically cooked her alive- her body smoking from its power, as she lost her footing to be plunged below the surface, the green liquid filling her lungs- her body unable to fight through the agony and terror.

Clones were dragging her forward, out of the green liquid. She could feel it dripping off of her and out of her mouth and nose and it sickened her, terrified her even more to think that she was still somehow partially submerged. Her heart beat erratically, painfully. Her lungs burned and the vile green liquid came in spurts back up her throat. Her body was completely limp- she couldn’t tense a single muscle in her body, not even in her tail, not even if she tried. They ended up lying her down on that cold metal table where she had been cut. They didn’t even bother with the restraints. They didn’t need to- she was broken.

Catra dimly felt the clones working on something over her body. More than once she felt a stabbing and something cold and metal being shoved against her neck. It didn’t matter what they were doing- it didn’t matter what happened to her. Suddenly a stabbing that threatened to cleave straight through her neck made her shudder and she let out a silent choking scream. It didn’t matter what they did to her. Adora. Adora was…

Suddenly, the clones standing around her were knocked over. Strong and warm hands pulled her close cradling her to a warm body. Adora was here? Looking up indeed revealed steel blue eyes, blonde hair with a stupid poof, and a wry grin. Adora was here. “I came back for you, Catra.” It was far more than she dared to hope for, definitely more than she deserved. Tears of relief fell from her eyes and warm feelings flooded her empty heart. She wanted to reach up and pull Adora into a tight embrace, infinitely grateful to be free from the horrors she suffered.

 _Little sister. Still hanging on to the notion that your Adora is safe? Haven’t I told you that there is no darkness my light cannot pierce?_ Prime’s voice sounded in her head as clearly as her own thoughts. How was that even possible? _I see all. I know all. There is no distance my hand cannot reach._ Adora’s face fell away to reveal the awful image of yet another clone. _She wouldn’t come back for you._

“Get out of my head!” Catra screamed as she tried to claw at her neck, suspecting that whatever the clones had done to her was the reason that Prime was now somehow in her mind. Clone hands clamped down on her wrists, forcing her hands away from her neck.

_Little sister, resistance is futile. Soon you will become pure and be one with my everlasting light. I see now that you are surprisingly strong willed, given your fear of water and electricity. Another trip to the Purification Chamber will complete the process._

Catra screamed and wailed struggling against the many clones that had poured in to carry her back against her will. “No! Just kill me and let it be over already!” _All creatures, no matter how small, have a place in service of Horde Prime. And you, little sister, will bring me your Adora._

“I’m never going to help you get Adora! I’d rather die than let you lay a hand on her!” _You love her and she broke your heart. I will take away your pain and make you whole again. Haven’t you been hurt enough?_

Catra screamed and thrashed- her suffering was meant to protect Adora- if she failed to do that it was just pointless suffering, but it wasn’t just the clones she had to fight against. She was confronted with memory after memory of every horrible thing that happened to her and Adora. Adora abandoned her, they betrayed each other, hurt each other. Adora had meant everything to her and Adora left like it was nothing. Catra had been an afterthought. Catra hadn’t been good enough. Adora didn’t care about her, not like how Catra cared about her. Shadow Weaver had abandoned Catra because of how pathetic she was. Even Scorpia left her. There truly wasn’t anyone left in the entire universe who cared about her- especially not Adora.

Catra was again being forced under green liquid and electrocuted until she couldn’t scream. The breathing tube was again forcefully shoved down her throat so that she could experience the horror of drowning without actually dying. Catra didn’t even care about herself. How many nights and times had she clawed at the bed and the walls before turning them on herself? She cut and tore at her own body because of how pathetic and terrible she was. Everyone hated her. She hated herself. She didn’t deserve love or kindness or goodness that was why she was so okay with sacrificing herself because it kept Adora safe and Adora deserved those things- not her. Not Catra. Catra deserved only pain and suffering.

Every near drowning and every time the electricity threatened to make her heart explode brought the realization that anything was better than this existence. Anything. No existence. Shadow Weaver’s personal slave. The loss of her own identity and volition. Anything at all, so long as the torture stopped. So long as the pain stopped. So long as this constant unending terror of torture by her greatest fears ended. Her life was nothing but the darkest and bleakest painful existence and it had culminated into the ultimate suffering.

But Prime. Prime was offering her peace. Prime was offering her salvation. Prime was offering her freedom from all of her pain. Catra had secretly hoped that maybe Adora would still come to rescue her despite everything that happened, but it seemed foolish to think that now. Catra had hurt her too much, pushed her away too hard, ruined her just like she ruined everything else. Adora had never and would never come back for her. Only Prime offered her peace, which was so much better than happiness. Already he was reaching one hand out to her, stroking her face kindly with the other- promising freedom from all of her pain, healing all her scars, bringing comforting light to the infinite darkness of her life. She barely felt regret at accepting as his claws dug deep into her mind- even this was better than what her life had become.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very certain that what actually happened was even worse than I have the ability to describe or depict, but this is as close as I'm able to come.


End file.
